Different people have different fears; fear of heights, water, dark and so many others that may seem common yet have a great impact on the person who fears it. For me, I have a fear of not meeting expectations of other people, a fear of failure. Ever since I was young my parents have constantly told me to do better, better than my brother and often compares me with my older cousin, for me to do even better than her. That single act of comparing me to others, I believe, caused me to become more self-conscious about everything in life ,especially how others judge me, since I am unable to gain approval for the work I have done, the effort I put in for school. Even when I put a lot of effort into studying and assignments if the mark is low then it is low. My parents will not, did not, sympathize with me for trying hard and getting a low mark; they will just say "why didn't you try harder?". From listening to all their lectures for not getting high enough grades when I was young have created a constant pressure in my current life where grades are extremely important to me. Sometimes I really envy other teenagers in my life who do not really care about their grades. When my life seems to revolve mainly around school other teenagers are having fun, hanging out with each other and still have parents who are satisfied with their grades; which are not that low at all, but only low compared to my parents' standards . Although my parents do not complain about my grades now, there is still the unspoken rule in the house: "failure is forbidden.". In a sense, I feel like I had been brainwashed by my parents when I was young, that getting good grades is a must and anything lower than an A is unacceptable; only to face disappointment when I fail to meet their expectations.
This fear of mine is still a positive aspect of my life because it motivates me to achieve, to set the bar higher and higher for myself. However, I am always self-conscious about how people might judge me therefore I tend to dislike public speaking. Unlike fears like a fear of spiders, I cannot run away from this fear since judgements are made by everyone, even by strangers who I never talked to.
This fear of mine is still a positive aspect of my life because it motivates me to achieve, to set the bar higher and higher for myself. However, I am always self-conscious about how people might judge me therefore I tend to dislike public speaking. Unlike fears like a fear of spiders, I cannot run away from this fear since judgements are made by everyone, even by strangers who I never talked to.
So it seems to me like a considerable number of people are using this week's post to vent about their parents expectations. To be honest I think that this fear cannot be entirely the fault of the parents. Growing up, I come from a very demanding and acclomplished family. My mother is insistent upon school coming first, and doing things methodically and traditionally. My father worked his way out of a small town in northern BC to provide for us today, and he places a considerable amount of importance on capital. Ever since I was a young boy, teachers and my parents have told me that I possess intellectual capability, but that I am not applying myself enough to achieve outstanding grades. I always ask myself, "Why do I need good grades. Is it so I may become rich and reputable and respected. But respected by whom. Respected by the people who see me drive my Mercedez-benz down Rodeo drive. I might as well smuggle cocaine into the country and kill every damn mule who brings me a brick. Then i'd be rich, I'd be respected, I'd be a valuable member of our society.". But wait. I loathe our society. I loathe the way our media feeds us propaganda. How we belittle Blacks and Jews and Women and gay people. I ponder it as lie sleepless. I ponder it as I sit in the shower, joints aching, head pounding. I ponder why no one will wake up. That is why when I go to school marks are not important to me. I don't want to be another statistic. I want to be me. I want to be Rowan. And when im living in poverty, I'm going to be one happy camper because I'll have lived as an enlightened man.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I do realize I am venting. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGreat Post! Having high standards is an excellent movtivator to succeed, it provokes you to work harder and put more effort into your work and task. Having high standards helps you push that extra mile when you needed it the most, especially when you want to win a race or make that lasting impression on a job interview. But, sometimes having high standards and failing together is not good. For example, when you are expecting an "A+" on a project, but only got a "B", most people with high standards will freak and go through a moment of depression. Although I do have standards for myself, most of the time I fail whenever I do a task or a project, not the "B" or "C+" type of fail, but more like a "F" fail. In my opinion, getting "F" is not a major problem or means you are not intelligent, because I actually learned from failing. My whole life have always been a "rollercoaster" for me, failing and falling then go back up as a learn from my mistakes. I believe that failing is not a big "deal" because if you have never fail in your life, then you won't be able to cope with it when you actually fail. Everyone is not perfect, as humans we will fail but we tend to get back up and "rebound" from the mistakes. If being perfect is a what we want to be, wouldn't that make us a vanity driven narcissist? I'm not trying to say failing is good,but it is a good learning experiance if we ever go through it. You learn from your mistakes and improve yourself so hopefully you don't make the same mistakes again.
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ReplyDeleteHi Angela,
ReplyDeleteYour fear is VERY common. Like you, My parents often compare me to other family members AND MY FRIENDS. I have valedictorians for cousins who go to very established schools or successfully have jobs. My parents would silently complain about how I desire to go Emily Carr when I have the capability to outshine my cousins and go to UBC or some university. They would (as calmly as possible) lecture me about attempting to do better in my grades. This somewhat motivates me to become better, but I shall confess, often I would just return to laid-back Rina and focus on other things that matter to me such as managing my clubs and strengthen my artistic talents.
But is there a motivation to why you are afraid of failing? I mean, is it just because you are afraid of your parents reaction, or will it taint your chances in fulfilling some ambition you have?
If your answer is "I don't know", or to just go to a University but with an unsure career path, then calm down a bit. Because I think you know very well of students who often rant about failing when actually they are just receiving a "B". We go to a very competitive school, and most students exaggerate the calamity of failure. However, it's good that you push yourself to become better.
I think that you also realized that you cannot always appeal to everyone, so do not worry that you were unable to meet anyone's expectations because whatever people thinks of you is none of your business. We are teenagers, we have the excuse and the stamina to be free and crazy. Leave room for immaturity. And also we are human, there is no shame in being imperfect because there is an intriguing charm to imperfection.
Hey Angela,
ReplyDeleteI wrote about the exact same thing for my blog this week! It is really easy for me to understand how you must feel. Even in my home, I was constantly reminded that that I have to strive for success, not that there's is anything wrong with that. However, my parents always gave me this bitter-sweet comment of WHY is should strive for success. It was because of sacrifice. The sacrifice that my whole family has paid for me to be able to live in this great country that we call Canada. When I was younger, my parents antagonistically delivered this message. However, when I grew older and my mental cap of understanding expanded, I realized that they just want the best for me. Realizing this, I have also grown to accept their sacrifice to become my motivation.
PS. Rowans comment was very moving